I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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