I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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