Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
