So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
