i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
