she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
