you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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