So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i think my cat just said my name.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
