So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
