also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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