I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
