no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
