If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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