i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
