I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
