Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
