I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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