I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
