Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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