I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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