I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Randomize
