He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
you had me at cake vodka
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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