Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
