i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
