I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
