I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
