yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
