I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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