I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
two words: eviction party
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
