Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
