All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
