No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
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i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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