He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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