so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
