Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm too high and old for this...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
