either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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