i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
