3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
