My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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