Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize