You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My dad just said "fuck circus"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
