Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
