literally had 100 drinks last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
