I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
