my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
