New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
