I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
