im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
