my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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