If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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