so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
