I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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