I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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