Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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