i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
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So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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