i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
